Real IFS Therapy Session with "Sarah" - Internal Family Systems Demo Pt. 3
Real IFS Therapy Session with "Sarah" - Internal Family Systems Demo Pt. 3
In this episode of Going Inside, I continue my Internal Family Systems (IFS) demo with Sarah in the third session of a four-part series. We explore how internal and external expectations can block freedom, joy, and imagination. Sarah connects with a part of herself that has carried the burden of meeting others' needs since childhood, believing that anticipating and managing expectations would keep her safe. Together, we invite more trust, curiosity, and playfulness into her system, creating space for greater ease and self-acceptance.
*This is part 3 of a 4-part series of real Internal Family Systems therapy sessions
*Please note that the client's name has been changed to protect their privacy.
Expectations can create internal pressure that limits our ability to be present and embrace spontaneity.
Protective parts often form in childhood to keep us safe, but they may no longer serve us in the same way as adults.
Trusting the present moment allows for greater emotional freedom, creativity, and self-acceptance.
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Interview Transcript:
[00:00:00] Sarah: A thought that comes up is, yeah, but if you spend those so much time worrying about expectations, yours, other people's, whatever, you're actually taking up so much time.
[00:00:11] John: One possible offering here is that self is quite capable of Handling other people's expectations, or even falling short of meeting people's expectations.
[00:00:21] John: An offering would be to let your parts know that they don't have to be the ones to handle meeting or not meeting people's expectations. Working hard to not disappoint people. So you could invite those parts to just come beside you or behind you as you decide how to spend your time and how much to give to others.
[00:00:38] John: How much to use for yourself, et cetera. Maybe just see how that lands inside.
[00:00:46] John: Going Inside is a podcast on a mission to help people heal from trauma and reconnect with their authentic self. Join me, trauma therapist, John Clarke for guest interviews, real life therapy sessions, and soothing guided meditations. [00:01:00] Whether you're navigating your own trauma, helping others heal from trauma, or simply yearning for a deeper understanding of yourself, going inside is your companion on the path to healing and self discovery.
[00:01:11] John: Download free guided meditations and apply to work with me one on one at JohnClarkeTherapy.com. Thanks for being here. Let's dive in. Hey, thanks for checking out this IFS demo. My name is John Clarke. I'm a licensed therapist and the host of this show and this channel. So this is the third session that I've done with this particular person.
[00:01:33] John: So if you haven't watched the other sessions, you might want to, or you could just jump right into this one. It's either way is fine. In this session, we're starting the session by checking in with two parts that we had unburdened last time. That's Part of the protocol, and then we just see where the session takes us and she ends up interacting with a number of different parts, getting to know them, we're doing some on blending, and we're really just seeing where the session goes, [00:02:00] and I'm trusting that because she has a good degree of self energy and is feeling lots of compassion for her parts that she can take the lead on this session.
[00:02:08] John: So there's a lot of fluidity to this one. As always, these sessions are just for educational purposes. These are just demonstrations so that people can learn IFS, what it is, what it looks like, and what a real session looks like. That being said, if you haven't received formal training in IFS, or are not a licensed practitioner of some kind, please do not attempt this work.
[00:02:30] John: Thanks for checking this out, and I hope you enjoy it. Okay, let's get started. First of all, thank you for doing this again. This is our third session. For folks just tuning in this session might make even more sense if folks watch or listen to the other two sessions. If not, that's okay as well.
[00:02:50] John: But one thing I wanted to start with our offer is at the end of last session, we were working on unburdening two parts and what we try to [00:03:00] do is follow up with those parts after an unburdening and see if we can check in with those parts, find them, see how they're doing. So I'm curious. If you're open to giving that a try as we start out here.
[00:03:14] Sarah: Yeah, sure.
[00:03:17] John: Yeah.
[00:03:17] Sarah: Give it a try.
[00:03:18] John: Okay. Yeah. So just see what happens as you shift your focus from the happenings of the day and everything happening externally and the things swirling around your life, shifting that focus to Inside
[00:03:38] John: and just see what you notice, what parts you're aware of, what parts you can connect to.
[00:03:53] Sarah: I've named I've named the two parts. Yeah, there's Little Miss Playful and and then there's [00:04:00] Jolly Genie. So Jolly Genie is saying that I could make more use of him, that's what it said, actually.
[00:04:06] John: Huh. Okay.
[00:04:07] Sarah: Yeah. Other than that, yeah.
[00:04:22] Sarah: Yeah. I'm just getting the message of just, there's more, it's got more to give. The imagination part that we talked about last time. It's just yeah, there's more, more there for me to tap into.
[00:04:39] John: Huh. Okay. So one of those parts says I have more to give.
[00:04:46] Sarah: Yeah. Cause I, like Sort of unblocking the imagination was it that's why it comes as a genie You know the genie in Aladdin who comes out of the bottle and [00:05:00] it's like this idea of set it fray Maybe I don't yet trust it enough to you to be used anytime and every time, like anytime I want something or that's what's coming up that I need to give it more chances, more freedom.
[00:05:23] Sarah: Yeah. More chances to shine.
[00:05:27] John: Okay. Yeah. More chances, more freedom.
[00:05:31] Sarah: Is
[00:05:31] John: that something you're interested in offering this part?
[00:05:34] Sarah: Definitely. Yeah.
[00:05:37] John: Maybe let it know that.
[00:05:54] Sarah: Yeah. Just letting it know as well. A nice little sign or something, would be good. [00:06:00] And I'm forgetting to use this part in a way.
[00:06:08] John: Yeah, maybe the two of you could even decide together on what that sign might be.
[00:06:17] Sarah: I don't know. Something came up. Whatever came up was like pop or something, so I don't know how I will know, but I guess some kind of pop inside, that will tell me, like a reminder.
[00:06:31] Sarah: It'll be like a bubble popping.
[00:06:33] John: Yeah. That sounds pretty clear.
[00:06:40] John: Okay.
[00:06:48] John: So let me know if it feels right to stay focused on this part
[00:06:56] John: or if there's another part [00:07:00] more needs your attention today.
[00:07:02] Sarah: Yeah. That's all I'm getting is this idea of freedom, really like just, yeah, just sense of really giving it. Trusting it and give it freedom yeah, I
[00:07:18] John: think,
[00:07:19] Sarah: but I think it's okay. Yeah, we can. And I think, yeah, sorry.
[00:07:28] John: Go ahead. Yeah. Yeah. No,
[00:07:31] Sarah: it's fine. I think, no, that feels okay for me that it's just, I guess I feel a little bit like maybe puzzled or about just don't quite know
[00:07:45] Sarah: maybe what I can do to give it that freedom.
[00:07:50] John: Okay.
[00:07:52] Sarah: Cool. The word expectations comes up. That might take us somewhere interesting. [00:08:00] Expectations. That's another part, I think, that's very big and that's really been like, I think getting in the way in lots of ways, really I
[00:08:16] Sarah: think it's the expectation part that's blocking the freedom, I would say.
[00:08:21] John: Yeah, maybe keep going with that, see what else floats to the surface around expectation or expectations blocking freedom.
[00:08:39] Sarah: Yeah, imagination part saying you can't, I can't have free reign and might be fully open if you have expectations already or some, exactly what you [00:09:00] want or what's going to happen or, so I can't give you everything I can give you if I'm limited by your expectations effectively, that's what.
[00:09:15] Sarah: Receiving.
[00:09:17] John: Okay.
[00:09:21] John: Can this part tell you when this first started or the first time this happened?
[00:09:36] Sarah: Yeah. It says it was like from day one, there was like an expectation that mom and dad would be happy for me to arrive into their world and they would like me as I was and.
[00:09:55] Sarah: But it wasn't the case.
[00:09:59] John: Okay.[00:10:00]
[00:10:06] John: Can you ask the part how it knows that wasn't the case? How did it realize that mom and dad weren't so happy?
[00:10:14] Sarah: It was kind of mom, mom wasn't happy about, having a child with red hair. Mom wasn't happy about having a child that cried, that didn't eat the way it was supposed to eat.
[00:10:27] Sarah: I think mom felt inadequate. And yeah, it just felt so it was. There was always this feeling of, I'm not what she wants.
[00:10:40] Sarah: That was always the
[00:10:41] John: feeling. Wow. Yeah. How, can you ask the part how true that feels in this moment that I'm not what she wants? It's[00:11:00]
[00:11:13] Sarah: kind of a half yeah, like
[00:11:20] Sarah: in some ways
[00:11:25] Sarah: she's okay with some of what I am and in other ways she wishes I could be different so that I could, we could connect.
[00:11:55] Sarah: But there was a thought that popped into my head earlier on that said, [00:12:00] I have to learn to manage with other people's expectations, so I, if I, maybe if I figure out what they need, what they want then I can do it. I can do what it is that they need and they want. So if I make myself really good at anticipating other people's needs, Then I can give them what they need when I feel okay to do that.
[00:12:37] John: Mm
[00:12:38] John: And can you ask this part? What does it fear would happen if it doesn't meet other people's needs?
[00:12:43] Sarah: The first thing that came up was they'll be mad. Sad.
[00:12:51] Sarah: They won't like me.[00:13:00]
[00:13:01] Sarah: They won't understand me.
[00:13:06] John: Yeah, and what's scary about that? I'll feel alone.
[00:13:15] Sarah: I'll be alone.
[00:13:17] John: Yeah, and then what? I don't know. I'll be lonely. I'll have to figure everything out for myself. Too much. Yeah. And how aware is this part of[00:14:00]
[00:14:05] John: you? It
[00:14:26] Sarah: says I don't recognize you. I don't know you.
[00:14:29] John: Could you get to know one another a little bit? Here today, or
[00:14:39] Sarah: do you have any suggestions?
[00:14:44] John: Maybe you could just explain a little bit about the you that you are today and what you do, where you live, what you're up to, things you're interested in, just a getting to know you [00:15:00] moment here.[00:16:00]
[00:16:20] Sarah: I liked the sound of that, but at the same time I didn't know that it's totally bowled over by this, by my current life. It's yeah, it's better than, What it knows,
[00:16:38] Sarah: but it's not fully convinced.
[00:16:44] John: I see. Okay. Maybe rather than trying to convince anyone of anything today, you just focus on getting to know one another.[00:17:00]
[00:17:04] John: How are you feeling toward this part of you? I
[00:17:18] Sarah: feel lots of different things really gratitude for what it does because it's pretty damn good at working out for the people's needs. And also
[00:17:33] Sarah: Sad for that part that it's just this constantly working, it just never gets a break.
[00:17:42] John: Yeah.
[00:17:45] Sarah: Just feel it's like exhaustion that it just thinks it has to be there all the time.
[00:17:54] Sarah: Still now, it worries, if I'm not meeting other people's needs, it's [00:18:00] worried. So I feel, yeah,
[00:18:07] Sarah: I understand why it did what it did, but at the same time I think, wow, what a hard job to be doing, working 24 hours a day almost in fact, yeah, in my case sometimes it is, because I get woken up in the night by other people's energy in my body and people asking for things. So yeah, it's a lot of work.
[00:18:33] John: Maybe let it know that. Let it know that you recognize that it's a lot of work and you have a lot of compassion for how much work it is
[00:18:46] John: and see how the part responds to that.[00:19:00]
[00:19:30] Sarah: And it's really tired.
[00:19:31] John: It
[00:19:33] Sarah: would be like a break.
[00:19:35] John: Yeah.
[00:19:43] Sarah: It didn't really want that job in the first place.
[00:19:47] John: Okay.
[00:19:51] John: Yeah. What would it rather do if not this job if it was an option to do something else? [00:20:00] I think you
[00:20:57] Sarah: can't even imagine. Back to [00:21:00] imagination. I can't even imagine
[00:21:04] Sarah: not having to do this.
[00:21:08] John: Yeah.
[00:21:25] Sarah: And it would rather be free. Free to do what it wants. Just to be able to go with the flow. Not to worry about anything. Yeah.
[00:21:47] John: Yeah. Is it possible? Go ahead.
[00:21:49] Sarah: Is it possible?
[00:21:51] John: Is it possible that you could help set it free today
[00:21:59] John: [00:22:00] or that it could and that it could hand over its role to you?
[00:22:43] Sarah: So it needs them to be able to relax or let go, to soften, to be like willing to let go, to stop doing its job. She says it has to be a trust that
[00:22:59] Sarah: I can [00:23:00] just
[00:23:04] Sarah: Go with whatever happens. Soften with it and just be quite, accepting.
[00:23:12] John: Okay. Just needs to
[00:23:58] Sarah: be more joy.[00:24:00]
[00:24:02] John: There needs to be more joy?
[00:24:04] Sarah: Yeah. It just needs to be more, more joyful. In receiving whatever kind of comes my way, maybe more playful, more just easy go thing just yeah, whatever. This is funny. What
[00:24:25] John: do you think about that? You agree?
[00:24:31] Sarah: I like the idea.
[00:24:33] Sarah: I could do it.
[00:24:35] John: Yeah,
[00:24:36] Sarah: that's pretty good. I had an idea.
[00:24:39] John: Yeah.
[00:24:47] Sarah: Yeah. It doesn't want me to get hurt.
[00:24:50] John: I see.
[00:24:53] Sarah: I'm disappointed.[00:25:00]
[00:25:07] John: Yeah. Cause what happens if you get hurt and disappointed? It's
[00:25:23] Sarah: like I go into a hole and I have to pull myself out the hole. So it's effort every time. It might not be very long. Depends what it is, but yeah. It's like I'll feel like low with my energy and then
[00:25:45] Sarah: it's quite hard to bounce back every time.[00:26:00]
[00:26:03] John: See if you get a sense for what needs to happen today with you in this part or any other part of you.
[00:26:40] Sarah: There's, another part that doesn't like time being wasted and so it's like the expectation part
[00:26:54] Sarah: kind of manages that in a way because [00:27:00] it's right what can we expect from this okay this is what we can expect and yeah is it worth doing is it worth spending time doing this knowing that you might not get what you want maybe you will get i'm not so it's like a
[00:27:18] Sarah: like
[00:27:22] Sarah: it's Yeah, the expectation part really just comes up with like
[00:27:31] Sarah: all these expectations in a way in order to
[00:27:37] Sarah: Save time. I don't know if it makes sense, but I guess it's like, yeah, there's some reasonable expectations from that. So it's worth spending some time doing this or that, but actually that maybe not. So there's kind of work going on there together.[00:28:00]
[00:28:01] John: Yeah.
[00:28:10] John: Yeah. Maybe just see how much compassion you can. Stir up inside of you and in your heart and just spread that throughout your system and see what happens Silence.[00:29:00]
[00:29:12] Sarah: Silence.
[00:29:48] Sarah: I think the time part feels quite [00:30:00] vague, it feels like that's where it starts in a way, right?
[00:30:16] Sarah: Okay, so people expect lots of things, and I expect certain things, and
[00:30:26] Sarah: if I can work out all these expectations, I can decide which ones are worth my time, because people take so much of my time, and I have so little left to do what I want, so
[00:30:49] Sarah: I want to make sure that if I'm going to meet other people's expectations meeting the ones that kind of gonna save me time in a way.
[00:30:58] John: Yeah, [00:31:00] I see.
[00:31:32] Sarah: But then I thought that comes up is, I don't know who it belongs to anymore, but it's just yeah, but if you spend so much time worrying about expectations, yours, other people's, whatever, you're actually. Taking up so much time. And that doesn't leave much time for fun, for joy, for freedom, for whatever.
[00:31:57] John: Yeah. [00:32:00] Yeah, totally. So one possible offering here is that self is quite capable of handling other people's expectations or even falling short of meeting people's expectations. Sometimes people. are disappointed in me and self says I, I can handle that. And so an offering would be to let your parts know that they don't have to be the ones to handle
[00:32:41] John: meeting or not meeting people's expectations, working hard to not disappoint people.
[00:32:50] John: So you could invite those parts to just come beside you or behind you as you decide the capable [00:33:00] adult you decides how to spend your time and how much to give to others, how much to use for yourself, et cetera.
[00:33:14] John: Maybe just see how that lands inside. I think it's a concern
[00:33:18] Sarah: that comes up. I'm not sure where it's coming from, but it's like, there's this idea that
[00:33:31] Sarah: we're already I don't know who's in control of this, but already this often times when I choose not to do what other people want and in a way, sometimes it feels unreasonable and it doesn't feel good. So [00:34:00] it feels really matter? Like I could give somebody 10 minutes of my time and they'd be like, Be happy and then I wouldn't feel selfish or cold hearted or whatever.
[00:34:17] Sarah: I just, it's like I never call my mum, for example, because our conversations don't give me anything. But then, so I just think, Oh, I can't be bothered to do that. But then I feel what's wrong with me that I can't be bothered to do that. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:34:43] John: Yeah. So notice some a bit of polarization there between the part that says you should call mom, even if it doesn't do a lot for you, and maybe another part that says don't. Or [00:35:00] what's the point?
[00:35:02] Sarah: Yeah.
[00:35:06] Sarah: But then, and the part coming up, imagination part, let's say, yeah, but if you what would happen if you had no expectation of that conversation and you just allowed imagination to kind of like, imagination and it was playful to come in and just,
[00:35:25] John: yeah,
[00:35:26] Sarah: Enter the game and you weren't worried about.
[00:35:30] Sarah: Wasting your time, or what you expect from that conversation, or
[00:35:35] John: Right.
[00:35:36] Sarah: Yeah.
[00:35:37] John: Yeah, just to be curious about what happens in a phone call with mom. Yeah, that's interesting. How does that feel in your body, to imagine?[00:36:00]
[00:36:05] Sarah: It's a different feeling. There's a sense there. It's coming from quite deep, I think, that I would get a lot more out of things if I was more open, more yeah, let it be what it will be thing.
[00:36:28] John: Yeah. Okay.
[00:36:38] John: We've got just a few minutes left here. I just want you to see if you get a sense for the best way to spend it.[00:37:00]
[00:37:13] Sarah: I asked them all, what do you need from me? What would be helpful? They say trust.
[00:37:21] John: Trust.
[00:37:25] John: Yeah.
[00:37:25] Sarah: They need me to just trust. Things will work out, things will be fine, that, it will be okay. If I trust and I don't need to have expectations, I don't need to worry about time and imagination, it can just do its thing.
[00:37:46] John: Yeah. How does that sound to you?
[00:37:51] Sarah: Yeah. Working on a new sentence. Little phrases can be really helpful for me. So, I wonder what would happen if is one of my favorite [00:38:00] sentences. Yeah. I guess here, there's a kind of, I wonder what would happen if. I trusted that things will work out as they're meant to work out.
[00:38:14] Sarah: That could be quite a useful.
[00:38:22] John: Could be.
[00:38:22] Sarah: There's a little dance there from the expectation part. Huh. Celebrating this idea.
[00:38:29] John: Yeah,
[00:38:32] John: that makes sense.
[00:38:34] John: Maybe just let these parts know what you can offer them as a follow up from today. Whether it's tuning in to these parts a little bit more often, or later this week, or tomorrow.
[00:38:57] John: And see if there's anything else they need from you [00:39:00] to wrap up here.
[00:39:20] Sarah: Time says it just needs me to remember that there's plenty of time. Ultimately, there is time.
[00:39:28] John: Good to know.
[00:39:36] Sarah: Yeah. Expectations saying just be on watch out, like
[00:39:47] Sarah: that tendency. Yeah.
[00:39:51] John: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:39:53] Sarah: Keep going back to a wonder what would happen if I trust it.[00:40:00]
[00:40:01] Sarah: Yeah. Yeah. When it wants me to check in regularly, like just keep asking the question, Hey, am I just again, putting unnecessary expectations. Just keep checking in, because it'll tell me,
[00:40:17] Sarah: yeah. Okay. I think that's okay.
[00:40:25] John: Very good.
[00:40:32] John: Thank you again for doing this. Debrief a little bit after we stop the recording. Anything else you wanted to say before we do that?
[00:40:39] Sarah: No, thank you very much. Thanks again.
[00:40:46] John: Thanks for listening to another episode of Going Inside. If you enjoyed this episode, please and subscribe wherever you're listening or watching. And share your favorite episode with a friend. You can follow me on TikTok @JohnClarkeTherapy and apply to work [00:41:00] with me one on one at JohnClarkeTherapy.com. See you next time.