Real IFS Therapy Session with "Sarah" - Internal Family Systems Demo Pt. 1
Real IFS Therapy Session with "Sarah" - Internal Family Systems Demo Pt. 1
In this episode of the Going Inside Podcast, I conduct a live Internal Family Systems (IFS) demo with Sarah, a client who explores her discomfort with vulnerability and connection. Together, we uncover the roots of these feelings in a protective part that emerged during childhood, carrying grief and longing for attunement. We create a safe space for this part, paving the way for healing and rediscovering joy.
*This is part 1 of a 3-part series of real Internal Family Systems therapy sessions
*Please note that the client's name has been changed to protect their privacy.
Protective parts often arise in childhood to shield us from pain and can be released through acknowledgment and care.
Creating a safe, compassionate space for your parts fosters healing and deeper self-awareness.
When burdens are lifted, parts can rediscover their original roles, enabling greater emotional balance and fulfillment.
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Interview Transcript:
John: [00:00:00] Before we get into today's episode, I want to take a moment to chat about our sponsor, Jane, a clinic management software and EMR. Your evenings and weekends should be spent with loved ones, not chasing down your patients and clients for payment. That's why Jane has designed a secure payment solution that helps reduce the amount of time you spend manually following up with patients.
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John: To see how Jane can help you reclaim your after work hours, head to the link in the description or show notes to book a personalized demo. Or if you're ready to get started, you can use the code John at the time of signup for a one month grace period applied to your new account. All right, let's dive in.
John: Hey, thanks for tuning [00:01:00] into the show. I just wanted to give you a really quick intro and disclaimer about what you're about to see. I'm about to do a real IFS demo with someone who's coming with real stuff, real issues, and real parts. What I would say is these demos are just for education purposes only.
John: They are here so that we can all learn. You can learn about IFS. You can learn about your own system. See what parts come up for you. And of course, the other disclaimer I have to make is please do not attempt doing IFS unless you have formal training and are a qualified practitioner. And the work is This model is really powerful and so that, that means it can be really helpful for people.
John: And also it can be intense or even disruptive for people if we're not really careful with it. And if we haven't gotten good training in the model. I hope you enjoy the demo and thanks for being here. Okay. Thank you [00:02:00] again for doing this. We're gonna do an IFS demo here and see where things take us.
John: And yeah, I just really appreciate your willingness to to be a participant for this and to help me in this way. Like I mentioned a little bit before the chat or before hitting record, this this session is entirely for you, so we'll just see where it goes. And that being said, let me know if you have an idea. Okay.
Sarah: Thank you. And allowing me to have a go at this yeah, I think for me something that's been popping up has popped up over a few months, but recently is quite present is I have this part of me that seems to be really almost like repulsed or like really, actually strongly when I'm, Either in the presence of, for example, I was at a non violent communication retreat last week and there was a couple there and just them, showing that very nice, lovey, caring side towards each other really put me like, Oh, [00:03:00] I don't want to see this, I really don't like this.
Sarah: And then there was another couple there. the next day who I noticed a lady just looking at this, at her partner, like with this really, love filled eyes. And again, I had that same reaction. And the reason it's bothering me is that it's also acting in such a way that when I am with people like my sons, I have two 17 year old sons and, or even all my family members.
Sarah: I cannot somehow bring myself to ask them questions about anything that has to do with kind of their vulnerable or soft side or their, their experience. There was something really simple the other day we were watching TV and, my son like saw like somebody who was screaming in a pillow and he asked me, have you ever done this?
Sarah: And then a part we wanted to ask him And the other part could not bring myself to ask this so it's impacting my relationship because I can't [00:04:00] really connect to people in that area in that way. Does that make sense?
John: Yeah, it makes a lot of sense. Either of these could be. Great to work on here today and it's possible that there's a part or two involved in both.
John: It's possible. They're separate, but related, who knows? Do you have a sense for which one feels more pressing or more?
Sarah: I think it's the same really because I get the same internal reaction somehow when it happens. So it feels like it's, it goes down to the same thing, really. I don't know what it is, but yeah.
Sarah: Yeah. So I don't mind really. Yeah yeah, because it even stops me sometimes asking people about their interests, their passions, anything like that. Yes. So yeah.
John: Okay. Yeah. Are you noticing any of that activation right now as you think about it?
Sarah: I think [00:05:00] it's probably recent enough that I can feel it.
Sarah: So last night I wanted to, it's my mom's birthday in a couple of days, and I wanted to get her a I had this thought, suddenly, the Amazon basket. Oh, there's a little heart thing. Oh, I could get her a little heart necklace. And
Sarah: I had to fight against myself to do that. Because even just buying her a little heart shaped necklace, I was just ooh, no!
John: Oh, yeah.
Sarah: So I can connect to that, I think, quite easily.
John: Okay. What's happening in your body right now? As you think about buying your mom that heart necklace.
Sarah: I noticed like the throat is closing, the chest is like the solar plexus is tightening. Everything [00:06:00] just feels like it's constricting and just I was putting like a block doesn't want me to go there.
John: Yeah. Okay, so you might just start there with this part that says Don't go there If you can connect with that part or just ask inside For that part to tell you more about what could be bad about going there
Sarah: So the words that came up when you said don't go there was don't do it. It's not connecting to that. Don't do it
John: Yeah, take your time.
Sarah: It's something about opening, if you do that, it's going to open up something.
John: Yeah. Yeah. See if you can just [00:07:00] ask, what is this part fear it would open up? Or you can ask this part, when's the first time that it allowed?
Sarah: The first word that came up was problems. And yeah, problems.
John: Yeah. See if you can ask for clarification. What kind of problems? Or. When was the first time this was a problem for this part?
Sarah: It's saying, you go down that path, you have to be ready to receive, [00:08:00] you have to be ready to show, you have to be ready for what's going to come. If you show your feelings, if you receive their feelings, it's just not too much. It's the idea of overwhelm.
John: Okay. Does that make sense to you?
Sarah: Yeah, interestingly, overwhelm is something that came up literally a few weeks ago when I was like having a mini IFS kind of practice.
Sarah: It's twice now that it's come up. Last time, it's this feeling like I can't handle everybody's energies, can't handle everybody's emotions. It's too big, it's too much.
John: Yeah.
Sarah: Yeah.
John: Do you feel like it's too big, too much?
Sarah: I guess a part of me does.[00:09:00]
Sarah: It says, can't, I don't want to, is what it says. I see. I don't want to do this.
John: Can you ask it what, because what could happen if it did do this? What is it fear could happen?
Sarah: It feels like even more would be put on me. I'd have to not only deal with all the practical things, but I'd have to, I'd somehow feel like I have to fix all of these things and deal with all these emotions that other people are experiencing. I feel like it would overload me because I'd feel a duty or some responsibility to help.
John: Okay. So keep going with that. See how far down the fear goes. So someone else. In your [00:10:00] life or close to you has big feelings or vulnerable feelings that creates a sense for this part that I can't handle it. I can't go there. Or if this happens, I have to help. And then what happens if I have to help or if it's too much for this part?
Sarah: I won't know how is what comes up.
John:And what's bad about not knowing how?
Sarah: I'll feel stuck. I'll feel powerless.
John: Yeah.
Sarah: It'd be more of a situation that I can't change.
John: Okay. And how are you experiencing this part? What does it look like, sound like, where does it enter around your body?
Sarah: It's just really quite big in the throat.
John: Yeah.
Sarah: And it's maybe, like I can't breathe as deeply as I should be able to.
John: Yeah. Can [00:11:00] you ask it how old it is?
Sarah: Four came up straight away.
John: Huh. Then can you ask it how old it thinks you are?
Sarah: I don't know. It came up with a random number, 26.
John: Yeah. So can you just very gently let it know your real age or if this part could see you in some way or become more aware of you, see if you could help make that happen?[00:12:00]
Sarah: Yeah, I'm letting it know. It feels a little easier, like the throat is eased a little bit. Like it can breathe a little bit better.
John: Little breathing room here.Yeah, could you ask this part if it has a story to tell about how it Picked up this worry or this burden[00:13:00]
Sarah: I don't know, there's the word invisible that comes up And there's a sense of I mustn't show my feelings people don't want them
John: I see because what happens when you show your feelings according to this part? Can you ask it?
Sarah: They don't really get, they get dismissed, because people don't have space for them, they don't have time for them, they've only got time and space for their own.
John: Oh [00:14:00] wow, that's sad, isn't it?
Sarah: And there's resentment. Why do I have to make space for theirs and can't have mine?
John: Yeah, it feels unfair. That makes sense. Does that make sense to you?
Sarah: Yeah. Why don't you care? It's like, why don't you care about my feelings? What's going on for me? I have to care about you.
John: Do you care about the feelings of this four year old part?
John: Yeah. Can you let it know?
Sarah: The message that's coming out from this is it doesn't matter if I have feelings or not, it doesn't matter. They get to decide what happens to me,
Sarah: [00:15:00] it doesn't matter, there's no point.
John: Who decided? What happens to this part? Can I let you know?
Sarah: Mom and dad, huh. They decided to move house. They decided to have another child. And it's like suddenly I don't matter anymore.
John: Okay.
Sarah: Just have to go with it.
John: Wow. This sounds really big.
Sarah: Just that they don't see me.
John: Yeah. Are you able to see this part the way that it needed someone to [00:16:00] see it at that time? And just bear witness to. The pain and the unfairness, just as much as you can, maybe even just a percentage.
Sarah: There's a bit of a battle there. There's another part that's popping up that's saying yeah, it wasn't fun and it was hard, but that's what adults do. Parents make decisions. Four year olds don't make decisions.
Sarah: That's [00:17:00] like
John: In the middle of your forehead. Okay. Can you make both of these parts aware of you?
John: So imagine. The two of them turning and facing you or stepping back six feet from you and both looking at you instead of each other.
John: This part that's almost trying to normalize what happened to the four year old part, maybe diminishing it a bit and in an attempt to help ease the pain. But my worry is sometimes that kind of invalidates the pain.
Sarah: They both kind of ease because I can feel the ribbon easing here. It's still a little bit there, but not as strong.
John: Yeah.
Sarah: The [00:18:00] throat definitely feels easier.
John: Okay. Yeah, thank them both for that, especially the one that just jumped in.
John: And to the one that just jumped in, can you ask that one if it needs some of your help right now in this moment? Or if it's willing and able to give you a little space to work with the four year old part,
John: then either way is fine.
Sarah: I think it's quite strongly about being acknowledged, generally enough. Acknowledged really wants me to acknowledge this idea. But, [00:19:00] yeah, that's what adults do. Adults make decisions. that impact children children just have to deal with it.
John: Yeah, do you get
John: that? And especially as a parent yourself, do you get that? Sometimes parents have to make decisions that are considering a lot of factors that sometimes the kids can't fully see in the moment.
Sarah: Yeah, I'm telling you that I get that. Also sometimes as an adult you can see a wider picture, you can see more.
John: Yeah, we don't always do the best job as parents. of explaining what we're doing and why we're doing it and why we're moving, right?
John: Yeah. Is there any explaining that you want to offer both of these parts in terms of what your parents did and your understanding of [00:20:00] it and why they did it?
Sarah: Yeah. You obviously wanted more than one child and They also, my dad loves to garden and I wasn't in a space with two children in an apartment, so buying a house and having this big garden makes sense for them. That's what kind of practically worked best.
John: How does that land with the four year old part?
Sarah: I think the four year old is saying, Yeah, alright, good. They could have thought about me. They could have thought about what that [00:21:00] meant for me.
John: Totally.
Sarah: Asked me how I felt, how I was, what I needed, instead of forgetting.
John: Yes, absolutely. Can you just ask that four year old part right now? What all this was like, to go through this move, and to lose?
John: These aspects of life that were probably very comfortable and familiar to this part of you.
Sarah: Heavy was the first word that came up.
John: Yeah, if you could give this, huh, if you could give this, yeah, this part In your throat a voice now, if you could hand at the microphone now, [00:22:00] then no holds were barred, there's no consequences for saying what it needs to say now about the move.
John: What does it want to say? See if you can give it the floor.
John: It can also just tell you privately if that's better.
Sarah: It really is like saying, just see me, will you just see me? Will you just see what I need? It's saying, I want cuddles and I want warmth and smiles and fun.
John: Wow, of course.
Sarah: Saying I want your face to light up when you see me. Could be pleased to see me.
John: Oh,[00:23:00] yeah, that's not too much to ask.
Sarah: Saying I want you to hold me tight and tell me that everything's going to be fine.
John: Oh, can you do that now?
Sarah: It's saying, yeah, okay, but I still don't want to know anything about you. I don't care what's happening for you. I don't care what [00:24:00] is going on for you.
John: And how does that land for you?
Sarah: I hear, she's just a little girl and people don't seem like they care about her. And so she says, I don't want to care about you.
Sarah: Everything is simple when you're four. It's only black and white.
John: Yeah. And I get a sense that she needs her world to be about her. She needs that attunement and that focus. from the adults in her life.
Sarah: Kind of a feeling in the solar plexus there quite [00:25:00] tight and saying that
Sarah: she wants to really feel connected. She really wants to feel, she really is longing for that, that two, two way street.
John: Yeah.
Sarah: Like warmth. Yeah. Coming and going both directions. Yeah, I want to see what's going on for you. And I want you to see what's going on for me. And I want it to be like an open channel.
Sarah: I want it to be like glowing openly for it to be easy.
John: Yeah. Can you imagine creating that channel between you and her right now? Maybe it even looks like a physical or an energetic channel
John: and something is going back and forth through that channel between you and her.
Sarah: It's like we've stepped into this [00:26:00] kind of energetic sort of tunnel and come into a bubble. We're in a bubble together and when we're in a bubble we can be connected and be vulnerable and open and be protected. And the world is just us in that little bubble.
John: Wow. Yeah, just keep going with that. Just you and her in that bubble. Just experiencing that.
Sarah: She really wants that relationship with her mum. She really wants the mum to stop sitting in the bubble.[00:27:00]
Sarah: Yeah. Smiling. Suffering.
John: Is that something you can offer her? Is that something mum can offer? Or does it need to come from you at this point?
Sarah: Oh, when you said, is it something mom can offer immediately, my stomach started, oh, like having little twists and butterflies and yeah,
John: Yeah I'm thinking that's a no.
Sarah: It's mom doesn't know how to do that. She can't do it.
John: Right.
Sarah: And I like it when it comes to mom, but I don't, because it's, it doesn't feel right, feels there's something off with it.
John: Yeah.
Sarah: It's almost fake. It's there inside mom, but she also [00:28:00] knows that mom can't let it out and she's trying to force it and it doesn't really work and it comes across really wrong and it feels really yucky. It doesn't feel good.
Sarah: She really longs for mum to just, almost open up, like sunshine, and be really true, like really show herself, her real self. This little girl, she wants to connect to her real mum, not this kind of mum that is stuck and doesn't quite, can't just show affection easily.[00:29:00]
John: Of course she wants that, yeah.
Sarah: She's really sad. It's sad because she can see that her mummy isn't who she's supposed to be.
John: Yeah.
Sarah: She's really sad because she can see that mum isn't really happy because she doesn't, she's not really herself.
John: Yeah. That's right. She's pretty limited as to what she can offer.
Sarah: She doesn't really want to feel that Coming from mom.
John: Yeah.
John: Yeah, perhaps see if you can just make this four year [00:30:00] old girl aware of you again And you can just be with her in her grief of what mom can't offer
John: And you can just hang out and validate that and let her know that her feelings are not too much for you If that feels right
John: That her feelings make sense, that you see her.
Sarah: Yeah. It's really sad.
John: Yeah.
Sarah: Letting you see.
John: Yeah.
Sarah: She's sad and she really feels. Helpless. Powerless. She really wants this, but she can't have it. And she can almost feel like her mum wants it too, but can't do it either. And she's scared. Really [00:31:00] scared that if she fully opens up the channels, she will see things that she doesn't want to see. She won't be able to cope with. Like it's too much. She can see that pain inside her mom and she doesn't want to see it. It's too deep. It's too much.
John: Okay. Yeah. Does this little one know that it's not her responsibility to help mom with all this?
Sarah: Yeah, but she says, I want my mommy.
John: Of course. Of course. Yeah.[00:32:00]
John: Yes. A real person. Yeah. A real person.
John: Yeah. How are you feeling toward this little girl now?
John: Yeah.
Sarah: I understand her sadness. How stuck she feels.
John: Yeah. Okay. See if you can just let her know that.[00:33:00] Yeah. Something's coming up.
Sarah: I can't watch other people who are all happy and locked up because I don't want to see what I'm missing out on. I don't want to see what I haven't got. Oh, wow.
John: Wow.
Sarah: It's it's not fair.
John: Yeah, it is. She's right. It's not fair.
Sarah: It's like nobody like loves me that way.
John: Not fair for other people to receive that tenderness if I can't and couldn't. That totally makes sense to me. Does it make sense to you? Yeah. Yeah. Let her know that.[00:34:00]
John: Yeah. I wonder how that's tracking in your body.
John: Kind of feeling in the jaw. Yeah. Yeah.
Sarah: Feels like it's locked. It wants to lock. It's like almost locking down to stop the emotions in and out so that I don't let in too much of what other people are experiencing and then I don't feel so much[00:35:00] what's going on. It's easier.
John: Yeah. Can you ask her if she wasn't In this role inside of you, is there something she'd rather be doing?
Sarah: Play.
John: Huh.
Sarah: Play.
John: Yeah.
Sarah: She wants to be able to play and fun, like real fun, proper really laughing and giggling and be silly and, do all the silly things that little kids do.
John: Just lots of fun. That sounds nice.
John: Is that something that you want to offer her today? Is the chance to just go be a kid [00:36:00] and play and let you take over this responsibility of deciding how much you can be a part of other people's big feelings or vulnerability or softness. Is that something she's ready to change?
Sarah: I like to play, but she says people don't understand it when I'm playing, when I'm silly, when I have fun.
John: Yeah. Can she tell you more about that?
Sarah: They're always so serious. It's always about what needs to be done. [00:37:00] It's never about just letting go and being free and just being fun and silly and playful.
John: Yeah. I wonder how free she can be inside that bubble with you, if it's any safer to play and be free inside that bubble.
Sarah: We're having a little play in the bubble.
John: Great. Yeah. Keep going with that.[00:38:00]
Sarah: I think she likes that bubble. She likes being with me.
John: Yeah, that makes sense.
John: So one option might be she could stay in this bubble instead of going back to wherever she was. I[00:39:00]
Sarah: don't know if there's another part coming up. There's almost some confusion now. Maybe it's a more like analytical part that's coming up. Yeah, I can stay in the bubble, but How does that work, if I stay in the bubble? Yeah. How does that help?
John: One way in which that could help is this four year old doesn't have to do a job that she doesn't want to do of filtering out or deciding if other people's emotions are too much for you, the adult you. Yeah, what's happening now?[00:40:00]
John: What just came up?
Sarah: Yeah. I'm feeling this softening like I can imagine
Sarah: those situations again where I saw these couples and it feels like I can look at it differently somehow. It feels different.
John: That's right. That's right. Exactly.
Sarah: Now I can just see the beauty of it without the sadness.
John: Beautiful.
Sarah: And[00:41:00] there's still something that's coming up if I think about the example of my son saying, Hey, have you ever screamed at a pillow and I, there's a part of me that knows he wants me to ask that back and I can't. And when I think of that one, it just says.
Sarah: If you ask him and you don't like the answer, you might feel really bad about that. You might feel like somehow this was your fault.
John: Huh. Yeah. It might trigger shame. Yeah. See if you can just validate that for the part that it, it fears that hearing about your son having difficult emotions could trigger some shame. Or guilt.[00:42:00]
Yeah. We've only got a few minutes left. So maybe just start by checking in with these parts. It sounds like we might, there might be three of them at least present today. Just seeing what she, what each of them might need from you to transition or as a followup after today.
Sarah: Girl definitely wants me to go back to that bubble and play with her a lot.
John: Yeah. That's something you can do. Yeah, [00:43:00] quite fun being there. Okay, let her know that you can offer that.
Sarah: I think I can offer that part that he's concerned about feeling shame or guilt, maybe to come back and have another chat and give it time to hear it.
Sarah: Technology.
John: Yeah. Great.
Sarah: What was the other? What was the other part?
Sarah: The one, [00:44:00] yeah. What? Do I can't remember can feel the pain
John: Yeah, there was a part that was rationalizing to the four year old hey This is just what parents do parents make decisions and kids deal with it
Sarah: Yeah, that makes sense, all right so as a parallel to that last point
John: There's something there that could be practiced in real life of when other people have their feelings, just letting them have it as their truth and feeling both your separateness, but also a togetherness or a compassion when people have their feelings[00:45:00]
John: that I can be in that with someone without having to change it for them or take it on.
Sarah: Yeah. Thank you. that's going to take a while. Yeah, no doubt.
John: Easier said than done.
Sarah: Working on in a way that acceptance, there isn't responsibility. People just want to be heard.
John: Yeah. That's huge. People just want to be heard. Yeah.
John: Thank you again so much for doing this. We can debrief for a couple minutes when I hit stop on the recording. And yeah, anything else you want to say before I do that?
Sarah: No, thank you very much. I really appreciate the opportunity as well.
John: Yeah, you're so welcome. [00:46:00] Thanks for listening to another episode of Going Inside.
John: If you enjoyed this episode, please and subscribe wherever you're listening or watching and share your favorite episode with a friend. You can follow me on Instagram, @JohnClarkeTherapy and apply to work with me one on one at JohnClarkeTherapy.com. See you next time.