Emotionally Immature Parents & IFS with Leslie Sanchez
Emotionally Immature Parents & IFS with Leslie Sanchez
In this episode of Going Inside, I sit down with Leslie Sanchez, a licensed therapist who specializes in helping first-generation Latinx individuals heal from childhood trauma caused by emotionally immature parents. Together, we delve into the complexities of growing up with emotionally immature caregivers, the lasting impact it has on adult relationships, self-esteem, and the challenges of setting boundaries. Leslie shares her journey of recognizing her childhood wounds, the importance of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy in her healing process, and how she empowers her clients to reconnect with their authentic selves and break free from generational cycles.
Growing up with emotionally immature parents can shape lifelong patterns in self-worth, relationships, and communication.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy fosters self-compassion and helps individuals heal internal conflicts.
Setting boundaries with emotionally immature parents is essential for personal growth and breaking generational cycles.
Learn more about Leslie at:
https://nueva-vida-therapy.com/
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Interview Transcript:
[00:00:00] Leslie: How do I expect, for example, to not react, a part of me not react with anger and aggression when that was all that was modeled to me, right? So basically it's almost like my parents are allowed to engage in these behaviors, but not me. And then it comes with this idea that as children, we're supposed to love our parents unconditionally, but They love us conditionally, like it doesn't work that way, right?
[00:00:20] Leslie: Unless you fall within these two groups, right? Children and kids, every relationship you have outside of that has to have with, have conditions. And what I mean by conditions is like boundaries, limits, respect, communication, right? I'm sorry, you can't love your romantic partner unconditionally. It's just, you can't
[00:00:40] John: Going Inside as a podcast on a mission to help people heal from trauma and reconnect with their authentic self. Join me trauma therapist, John Clarke for guest interviews, real life therapy sessions, and soothing guided meditations. Whether you're navigating your own trauma, helping others heal from trauma, or simply yearning for a deeper [00:01:00] understanding of yourself, going inside is your companion on the path to healing and self discovery.
[00:01:05] John: Download free guided meditations and apply to work with me one on one at johnClarketherapy. com. Thanks for being here. Let's dive in. Leslie Farias Sanchez is a licensed therapist specializing in helping first generation Latinx individuals heal from childhood trauma caused by emotionally immature parents.
[00:01:25] John: Certified in EMDR and trained in IFS level 2, Leslie empowers clients to reconnect with their authentic selves and break free from generational cycles. You can visit Leslie's website to learn more about her therapy consultation, therapy services, and to schedule a Consultation. Leslie, thank you so much for being here.
[00:01:45] John: What else should people know about who you are and how you got here?
[00:01:48] Leslie: Yeah, I'm so happy to be here. I guess what brought me here is being a child of emotionally mature parents myself and feeling very alone and misunderstood as a child. [00:02:00] I had labeled myself as the problem growing up. And what we know about being labeled as the problem is It's almost like a false sense of control.
[00:02:07] Leslie: If I'm the problem, therefore I must have the solution. So based on my upbringing, it motivated me to be a therapist and help people who have maybe experienced the same things that I have.
[00:02:20] John: Yeah. Yeah. That piece about being the problem, therefore I must be the solution. It's an interesting one and probably a dilemma that leads a lot of people to become a therapist or a helper, profession.
[00:02:35] Leslie: Yeah
[00:02:35] John: profession of some kind. Yeah,
[00:02:37] Leslie: I couldn't fix my parents, but let me see who else I can help. And I can fix, maybe I wasn't good enough to fix my parents, but maybe in another category I can write It makes me think about the book Women Who Love Too Much. That book changed my life.
[00:02:52] Leslie: But we, some, it makes me think about relationships, how sometimes we end up in relationships with people who I label [00:03:00] as the project oh, I want to fix them, right? I, taking on the part. The helper, fixer, savior part shows up and says, yeah, I'm drawn to this person because I can help them.
[00:03:09] Leslie: I can fix them. I can save them. I can show them. And I work with a lot of my clients in that aspect as well, about feeling the need to help fix and save other people and understanding where that originated from, which is usually our childhoods.
[00:03:25] John: Let's maybe start. Let's unpack that more. So ways in which having emotionally immature parents shows up for adults and the adult clients you work with.
[00:03:35] John: And then yeah.
[00:03:37] Leslie: Yeah. So I definitely noticed that showing up in their romantic relationships and their parenting, even in their self esteem and self worth. So I work with a lot of clients who, They have reached their like their professional goals. They're highly successful, have achieved so much, graduated colleges, have PhDs, but they still feel empty inside.
[00:03:56] Leslie: It just never feels enough. It's like we're always [00:04:00] searching for the next thing and it just it never feels satisfying. So I see that a lot. Or in parenting, right? It's this idea of carrying those same parenting skills or tools that our parents used on us and using them with our kids. And there's so many clients who have parts that carry so much shame around that, around, gosh, I'm doing the same thing that, that my parents did, but, there's parts of me that don't know what else to do.
[00:04:23] Leslie: And so we spend a lot of work on helping give those parts different roles and show up differently and saying, this isn't the only way, and then of course, in romantic relationships, so I was touching a little bit about the helper fixer savior, a lot of my clients end up choosing partners that they're like, they, you They don't really know how to communicate, but I'm going to teach them, right?
[00:04:41] Leslie: Or, maybe they're not helping around the house, but I'm going to help them fix that. If I just do A, B, C, and D they're going to do it, right? This, and so I help them highlight This isn't something that kind of just started in your adult life or in your teen years, right?
[00:04:55] Leslie: I know when we do a lot of our trauma where clients are so quick to be like when I was 13 [00:05:00] But it's you know You didn't start believing that you weren't good enough or that you weren't worthy at 13 like it's something so much deeper But if this is the first place that these parts are leading us to we'll go there and see when we can go deeper
[00:05:11] John: Yeah, clients tend to come to therapy when the way that they've done things is no longer working, right?
[00:05:18] John: Some sort of symptom or in their life brings them to therapy, whether it's anxiety or this perfectionism piece you mentioned or overworking or issues in my relationship. So something that I notice a lot around this theme is this codependence and enmeshment piece with a parent who has okay.
[00:05:40] John: And then parents, sorry, adult children who Have parts that take on this burden of I can't be okay unless my mom is okay. . Absolutely. And if she is okay, I'm okay, but I'm always watching out for even the slightest hint that she might not be okay. And then. When she's not, [00:06:00] my whole sense of self collapses and my whole world becomes about either getting out of her way or fawning or trying to convince her that she's okay or whatever it is.
[00:06:09] John: It just gets messy and we get tangled up. Yeah.
[00:06:14] Leslie: Absolutely. Yeah. This, that hyper vigilance, right? That fawning piece of, I have to make sure that, the environment is good. It makes me think about a client who was like, yeah, like I would make sure that the house was clean so that my parent would have nothing to complain about or be upset about.
[00:06:29] Leslie: I always had to be on my best behavior to just make sure, my parents were already stressed out as it was. And I didn't want to give them, anything else on their list to, to make them stressed out. Yeah, it is this thing. This piece, of making, I'm responsible for their emotions, basically.
[00:06:43] Leslie: And then we grow up to be these adults who think that we are these powerful creatures that can control other people's emotions. I tell my clients that it's we're bolts. I don't know if you've seen them. We bolt the dog, how he was raised on the movie set. And he was made to believe that he was this dog with superhuman.
[00:06:59] Leslie: [00:07:00] Powers. And then he gets out and he realizes that he was just a dog. Yeah. He didn't have these superpowers. And it makes me think about the clients that I work with that are like, yeah if this person is having this huge visceral reaction towards me, it must be me.
[00:07:12] Leslie: And it was having, going through the therapy and realizing, Oh no, like that wasn't me. Like I didn't cause that. Like I'm a super proud, I tell my clients all the time, you are a super powerful human being. You're just not that powerful, but there's parts that have learned. I am that powerful.
[00:07:27] Leslie: I am that powerful that, like this, I can make my parents get super aggressive or shut down or, be so sad. Like I have the power to do that, but I also have the power, to fix it. And it's ah, so working along with those parts of understanding that, that, that was never their job.
[00:07:47] John: Absolutely. And they are also the only ones that can liberate themselves of that job because. Mom and dad often are not changing. In fact, growing more the same sometimes later in life, or if you're an adult, your parents are adults. [00:08:00] This question I hear a lot from clients, a philosophical question that we land on of what do I owe my parents?
[00:08:07] John: And This sense of loyalty, or the sense of if I were to become my own person more, or there's all this talk around boundaries, boundaries is like a great buzzword in our world. Now, if I were to like set a boundary with. My parents or my family of origin, which by the way, we're in the middle of kind of holiday season right now.
[00:08:26] John: So a lot of this stuff is coming up of letting someone know, Hey, I'm, I won't be coming to the party or we'll be leaving at nine or whatever. And not offering an explanation can feel like a massive violation to the family dynamics, to the burdens they carry to being a terrible parent.
[00:08:45] John: Son or daughter or whatever. So I'm curious your thoughts on all that.
[00:08:49] Leslie: Oh yeah, no. So I hear that a lot. And especially I think in the Hispanic culture specifically, our, our parents are very good at reminding us, but I gave you [00:09:00] like ABC and D right. And I almost want to, yes.
[00:09:04] Leslie: And I want to I'm going to segue, but I'll come right back. I think. Also, a lot of the clients that I work with grew up having like food, water, shelter, and clothing, but what they didn't have was their mental and emotional needs being met, which are just as important as, all the physical needs.
[00:09:21] Leslie: So I think this makes the guilt even worse because it's okay, my parents paid for my school. I never went without, I had all the material things that I needed. But so still, why, but why am I still feeling this way? Okay. Or, I shouldn't be mad at them. I shouldn't set the boundary because they did all these things, but they don't cancel them out.
[00:09:39] Leslie: A big phrase that I use a lot with my clients is two things can be true at the same time. Yes, valid that they did meet all of these physical needs and they had a really difficult time meeting your mental and emotional needs. And I think it, a lot of the work surrounds working with those parts that are carrying this guilt and this fear of what will happen?
[00:09:58] Leslie: What does this part think [00:10:00] is going to happen if you set this boundary? Because a lot of the times, what I try to work with clients on is this kind of sensation that, that guilt that feels like it's going to just eat you alive. But the more clients start to set boundaries and their parts can see, Oh my God, she did that.
[00:10:13] Leslie: And she was okay. It's like, how did she? How did she, what? It makes me think about, I tell the story to clients sometimes and it's probably the best case scenario. I know this is not the everyone's reality, but I remember the first time I set a boundary with my sister, I call it the cookie story.
[00:10:31] Leslie: She had asked me to pick up some cookies for my niece's birthday party. That was literally the next day, like very last minute. And so I stopped and I checked in with myself and I said, okay, do I have a responsibility to get these cookies? Is it my party? Was this my poor planning? Was, she could have told me on Monday and maybe I would have planned accordingly and I would have made time to get the cookies.
[00:10:49] Leslie: Okay, so was this my bad? Did I do something? Is this my circus and is this my monkeys basically? And I, Reflected and I said, no, this isn't. And so I told my sister, no, I won't be able to. [00:11:00] And a part of me was like, Oh, like how, Oh my God, what is going to happen? This part believed that my family was just going to stop loving me.
[00:11:08] Leslie: And then lo and behold, my sister said, it's fine. And a part of me was just like, Oh, like how could you set that boundary and still, Be alive. I, and I know that sounds a little extreme. I tell clients that, I know it sounds extreme when I say that, or, but our parts really do feel like we are going to die.
[00:11:26] Leslie: If we engage in these behaviors or something like we're going to fall into oblivion, if we do these things and being able to show our parts see, I did this and it was okay. And even if I got the worst case scenario, my sister pushed back, accessing that self energy and being like, okay.
[00:11:39] Leslie: Whatever you throw at me, it's going to hurt. Not going to lie. But I know I can sit with that. And also this, little Leslie girl, this part, you don't have to carry that. Let me take that for you.
[00:11:51] John: Yeah.
[00:11:51] Leslie: Let me take it. You don't have to take it, but it is real.
[00:11:55] John: Yeah. It's a great story.
[00:11:58] John: It's an illustrative story [00:12:00] of of how this all works and just how much of a threat. It feels like two different parts of us to carry these burdens, carry these wounds, and that worked really hard to protect against love being withdrawn. And so the, and then the more we get to know these parts, they often have really compelling stories about a time in which love was absolutely withdrawn.
[00:12:21] John: You're, you were a kid and your mother asked you to do something and you said no. And it was the biggest vi as if had violated her, every cell in her body or what, whatever. And so that little kid takes on this burden of, if I don't do everything for everyone, people.
[00:12:39] John: Withdraw love from me or mom withdraws love from me, right? Or she guilts me, right? You have no idea how lucky you are. You should be grateful. This and that. I had it way worse than you, right? Exactly. Who are pointing to their own, the misgivings of their own parents, right? As validation for the crappy parenting.
[00:12:55] John: That's a classic one of you have no idea about, I had it right. [00:13:00] And then the buck gets passed down and down and
[00:13:02] Leslie: Exactly.
[00:13:03] John: Someone in the family line Starts to heal, which is what, where we come in and what we're trying to do with our clients, right?
[00:13:11] Leslie: Exactly. And it can feel lonely to be the cycle breaker.
[00:13:14] Leslie: As I said at the beginning, I grew up feeling really misunderstood. And probably to this day, there's a part of me that's still, that I'm working on my own IFS therapy. That is, she's the justice seeker. She's the, I have to make them see, I have to make them understand, right?
[00:13:29] Leslie: If you just did A, B, C, and D they would get it. It's just that you, you haven't, gosh, for the longest I thought if I just, if I phrased it differently, if I use different words if I could paint a picture, they would just get it. But, I have to, remind this part literally that no matter what we do, it's just they're not going to get it.
[00:13:48] Leslie: I tell my clients all the time. It's I can make a nice little PowerPoint presentation with like great visuals and audio color coordinated and they probably still wouldn't get it. And that's because of their own [00:14:00] parts. It's, they have parts of themselves that are very, I'm going to use the word avoidant.
[00:14:06] Leslie: That there's parts of them that feel like, gosh, if I accept that, I, if I really am this parent or that I hurt her this bad, I feel like I'm going to disintegrate into oblivion. So that also brings me peace of mind that this is their parts trying to protect them and their system. And I can't, that's their own journey of healing and connecting with their own parts that would need to help them make that realization.
[00:14:29] John: Not me. Yeah. Again, this this fairness part, and I find that many people. Have a fairness part, a justice part that again has a really good story or a compelling story around how they picked up this burden of fairness or having to be the one that fights for fairness or being understood and not misunderstood.
[00:14:50] John: And so for instance, like in the case of this story with your sister, let's say you said, no I'm not able to get the cookies and. Maybe even she even said, okay, but [00:15:00] then had the thought that Leslie's so selfish or whatever. And there's a part of you that might be terrified around being misrepresented, right?
[00:15:10] John: Or that someone might have that thought of me. And that's again, where that self energy piece comes in and goes, even if my sister or someone who I really love and loves me. Think something like that or misunderstands me or my intention. Can I turn inward in practice being a little more okay with that?
[00:15:27] John: That it's not necessarily my job to correct every little thought that everyone else has about me, or even for my parents, people that we spent our entire lives trying to get our parents approval. No matter how old you are. And it may or may not. But part of that is I need you to see me a certain way or else.
[00:15:46] John: And just to your point, to some degree, um, parents are limited in their ability to see their children because of their own parts, their own. Projection, their own transference that makes it so foggy in the first place, [00:16:00] right? It's like the parent who lives vicariously through their child.
[00:16:04] John: Like they, the dad that was never great at football. So he is extremely hard on his kid to be good at football or whatever. And it's clearly living, through his child and his parts are working out their own stuff with this poor kid, but. Exactly. Yeah.
[00:16:19] Leslie: Yeah. And I think, a lot of the work too is except accepting that I'm going to be the villain sometimes.
[00:16:24] Leslie: So I have a part that understands that. And I'll say that loosely there's a part of me that's yeah, sometimes we have to wear the villain crown, but we're going to wear that crown with pride because sometimes we have to be the villain in someone else's story to be the hero in our own.
[00:16:38] Leslie: And I'm willing to take that. And again, but that, that took some time to get there. I'm not going to say that it, that was easy. But sometimes it is. Accepting the fact that we're not going to be everybody's cup of tea, right? Because I think we live in a world that again, as human beings, right?
[00:16:53] Leslie: We're wired for safety and connection, right? I tell people all the time, name me a situation. I'm going to tie it to how it relates to either someone [00:17:00] seeking being safe or having some type of connection, right? Let's just call it out being liked. By others having that approval it makes me feel safe and I have connection.
[00:17:09] Leslie: So I think as human beings, that's why we're constantly striving to, to be liked by others, to, can be well represented. So this idea of sometimes being the villain or not being someone's cup of tea, gosh, our system is like, Oh my God, we're going to lose connection. So what do we have to do to be liked and to have this connection and being able to Reassure our system and our parts that it's like it's inevitable.
[00:17:30] Leslie: There's going to be people who like us and who don't like us. And sometimes people are going to view us as the villain. Sometimes, the bad guy, we also have to remember that everyone is processing us and their perceptions and their information through what I call their own filter. And I guess an IFS, like their own system and their own parts, and they're going to have their own individual interpretation.
[00:17:53] Leslie: We're all different.
[00:17:56] John: Yeah. Again, that's where a lot of the fighting comes from [00:18:00] is yeah, again, it's just this piece of trying to be understood or seen the way that you see yourself. And there's some limitations to that in a way, like no one really knows what it's like to be you, except you. And maybe it's okay if someone doesn't fully understand you or your viewpoint, or even like in the kind of I don't know where things are at politically and people that have parts that really need to be understood.
[00:18:22] John: This is what I believe in. This is why I believe it. And I need you to see that I'm not going to leave this conversation until you see that
[00:18:28] Leslie: you get
[00:18:28] John: it, there's something really, to your point, like existential like this existential piece about that that feels very do or die and.
[00:18:38] John: From a self energy perspective, it, we're just completely out of our self energy, which is naturally curious and open and compassionate to the person in front of you and their story and their pain and their ideas and their viewpoint. And that's like the center that we're all trying to get back to, at least.
[00:18:55] John: Yes.
[00:18:56] Leslie: And also the difference between the self and parts is that the parts have an [00:19:00] agenda and they, I learned this within the last two weeks. I took a Kendall hearts UMDR and IFS integration course. And she said, a parts active when you feel compelled to act when she said that it's like, Oh, that makes so much sense.
[00:19:11] Leslie: Like the difference between being able to listen to a conversation. And just genuinely listen, just be in self versus listening. And there's a part of me that feels compelled to act, to defend myself, to make sure that I'm understood that, my, that I have communicated my viewpoint, things like that.
[00:19:27] Leslie: And I feel like that really does show up with emotionally mature parents is constant part that feels compelled to act, compelled to be understood, compelled to fix things,
[00:19:36] John: It would be, I thought about this other day. It'd be a great exercise for many people, myself included in the neck, in an interaction that you have in your life in the next 24 hours, see what it would be like to just listen.
[00:19:48] John: And not act
[00:19:49] Leslie: and not feel
[00:19:51] John: compelled to act to interject your opinion to make sure you're understood or to make sure they know you have a story like this or whatever. A lot of the listening we do is like [00:20:00] that, and it's part of why also therapy can be so compelling. And um, enticing because people are so seldom listened to in a way of just like I'm hearing your story And I'm just going that makes a lot of sense to me.
[00:20:12] Leslie: Absolutely.
[00:20:13] John: I'm not doing anything else and something You know a clinical intervention like that can be extremely powerful and something that is just people are so starved for,
[00:20:22] Leslie: exactly. And if we want to give people who, maybe are struggling with their emotionally mature parents now is, cause they're, we're talking about how there's not a very high probability that they're going to change.
[00:20:34] Leslie: So then people are like, okay, so then what do I do? And. The goal would be to reduce the part of you that feels compelled to act or help heal the part of you that feels compelled to act or many parts that honestly feel compelled to act like being able to interact with your emotionally immature parents and just not feel like you have to spring into action.
[00:20:53] John: Yeah. There's a lot of resisting. I had a client recently who in the session, they basically [00:21:00] said I was home recently visiting parents and the longer I'm away. The more hard it is when I come back and the things that annoy me about my parents are just they're just so in the way and they're just so obvious and I can't not focus on them.
[00:21:14] John: There's this resisting the way that they are. Whether it's I don't know, their habits again, like the shows they watch or the things they believe or whatever it is. Again, there's there's parts of us that have an agenda and that want our parents to change or need our parents to change.
[00:21:29] John: And that's really not on them. That, that's something we can offer as therapists is that unless mom and dad are in the room with me and my client, and we're sitting down and going, we're doing family therapy and we're actually going to all work. On this dynamic, right? Or there's something more, sinister happening here.
[00:21:48] John: Then otherwise it's I'm working with you the single adult who's sitting in front of me. And so what can we do about it? Can you get to know the part of you that is really activated, the part of you that wants them to change, the part of you that can't stand the way that [00:22:00] they are. What, what does that part for you would happen if they never changed, if your parents just became more and more like this, but the ultimate piece that we can help them find is true acceptance in the way that other people. People are and even going further than acceptance and finding love for the people in your life and just the way they are
[00:22:18] Leslie: Exactly. Yeah, I have a I definitely resonate with that because I do have a part that I'm actively working on That is saying, it's not that hard Like why like it's not that hard.
[00:22:31] Leslie: This is easy. They could totally do it And she's having a really hard time wrapping her brain around how like it's just it's not pop Like it's just it's not possible for them to change. She's just like how can this be hard and it's a lot of Accepting that, you know I have to stop expecting me and other people because that's just going to keep getting me disappointed.
[00:22:50] Leslie: Yeah. If this is easy for me, that's great that it's easy for me and it doesn't necessarily mean that it's going to be easy for somebody else because they have their own story, their own parts, their own protectors that are at [00:23:00] play.
[00:23:00] John: What else does therapy look like for you when you're working with folks around these issues of emotionally immature parents?
[00:23:09] Leslie: I think a lot of my clients have the awareness the awareness that, that something's off. And it's usually this idea of, I need to fix myself so that this can get fixed.
[00:23:21] Leslie: And then eventually we, once we dive deeper, it's almost just oh my God, this is totally out of my control. So I think, I really appreciate the work that I do when there's all these like light bulb moments of, oh, this didn't this didn't start with me that this came from my parents.
[00:23:36] Leslie: And also this idea that I did want to mention, because I think it's a very important message to get across is, only people that you're ever going to love unconditionally, right on this earth, from my perspective, is your children, if you choose to have them and your pets. If you choose to have pets, because these are two groups that you willingly brought into your life and made the commitment and choice to raise.
[00:23:57] Leslie: And these are two groups that require [00:24:00] me to teach them how to navigate this thing called life, right? I tell my clients that a lot of the time it feels like we were expected to be born with like chips in the back of our neck. To come pre programmed and know that we need to use the potty that, we need to keep our voice down that, we don't need to scream or yell or become dysregulated.
[00:24:17] Leslie: Cause I think emotionally immature parents put this assumption on kids that again, you should come pre programmed. You should know this. Why is this a surprise? Like, why do I have to show you this? Or if I've told
[00:24:25] John: you once you should know, you should know. I've already told you this. Yeah,
[00:24:28] Leslie: exactly.
[00:24:29] Leslie: What do you mean? And so a lot of. Helping them understand that you didn't come with a chip in the back of your neck and that your parents if you don't know how to do something, it's because your parents, that you didn't, they didn't teach you how to do it. Or I think another thing that is very like, whoa, light bulb for a lot of clients is how can I expect myself to be able to regulate my emotions when my parents couldn't even do that for themselves.
[00:24:53] Leslie: Yeah. How do I expect, for example, to not react a part of me, not react with anger and aggression when that was all [00:25:00] that was modeled to me, right? So basically it's almost like my parents are allowed to engage in these behaviors, but not me. And then it comes with this idea that As children, we're supposed to love our parents unconditionally, but they, they love us conditionally it doesn't work that way, right?
[00:25:14] Leslie: Unless you fall within these two groups children and kids, every relationship you have outside of that has to have with, have conditions. And what I mean by conditions is like boundaries, limits, respect, communication, right? You, I'm sorry, you can't love your romantic partner unconditionally.
[00:25:29] Leslie: You can't. But I think that's one big misconception. But yeah, so your parents were supposed to love you unconditionally, but when you grow up with emotionally immature parents, it's like the love was very conditional and you almost end up like raising them like they can't have compassion for me, but I have to have compassion for them.
[00:25:45] Leslie: Oh I had a hard day at work. That's why I yelled at you. But Oh, when you yelled at me, you're a bad kid.
[00:25:50] John: There's also the parentification of little kids. I was just, I supervise the pre licensed clinicians at my practice working through a case today where there, there's [00:26:00] a child that's being seen in the practice and the child has a single parent and they have effectively made this This little kid, the parent, he's just like the next step. And so this child has no choice but to start to take on the roles and responsibilities and the emotional labor of being, this like surrogate partner, and this caregiver and. You really understand the desperation of the parent of needing that partner.
[00:26:30] John: And then you see this little kid in your office, two decades later and you see Just how that played out and how it's playing out now, right? But for a lot of families that are in tough situations kids lose their youth pretty fast. Their childhood gets zapped up absolutely thrust into these roles that were never theirs in the first place, right?
[00:26:51] John: And it's really It's really painful to watch and think about and also understandable when parents are in really desperate situations with little [00:27:00] help.
[00:27:01] Leslie: Absolutely. And I think, that also comes with a lot of guilt of when you finally become this adult and then you're like, okay, I'm starting to create my own adult life, but what do I do with you?
[00:27:12] Leslie: What do I do about with mom and dad? Like I've been taking care of them, my, my entire life. Like how dare I go and start my own life and my own family? What about them? It almost feels like I'm leaving them behind. But, if we take a step back, it's, and I, the, I don't want to use the word normal, cause I'm encouraging people to replace the word normal with human, but it is human for us to grow up and transition out of our childhood homes.
[00:27:36] Leslie: And create our own families. But when it comes to dealing with emotionally mature parents they feed off control. They want this power and control over you. Yeah, and when I see you starting to create your own life, parts of me get threatened and they're like, no, what are we gonna do if she leaves?
[00:27:51] Leslie: Where are we gonna have control over? Like, how can I keep you lured in? But it's, we have to understand that it's part of, I'll guess I use the word cycle of life that are, our kids are eventually going to [00:28:00] grow up and build their own lives. I say this, parenting is hard no matter at what age.
[00:28:04] Leslie: I don't know if I don't think it ever gets easier I don't have children yet, but just from my observation it just and it just seems like it just It's always going to be hard Sorry to say it I think it's very and I share that because I think it's very hard to be the parent of an adult Because when your children are adults, they don't need you in the same capacity as they did when you were children.
[00:28:22] John: Yeah,
[00:28:22] Leslie: right lived in my adult life now. I just need you my parent like I just you know You Like, someone's right now I just need my mental and emotional needs met. All the physical stuff I needed that when I was a kid, but now it's the only thing I really need from you is the mental and emotional part.
[00:28:35] Leslie: But if I couldn't get that in my childhood, how do I expect to get that in my adult life? And I think many parents struggle, regardless if they're mentally or emotionally immature, because I do work with some parents who are like, trying to, Be, be better parents and recognize maybe some of the errors that they've made in the past.
[00:28:49] Leslie: And it's yeah, like, how do I show up for my kid? If they don't need me, if I don't have to feed them, if I don't have to watch their clothes, like, how do I show them that I care? And it's I just being there, like asking them, holding space, like, how are you doing? [00:29:00] How's life, right?
[00:29:01] Leslie: Hey, I'd love to get, gosh, how, like, how are you? I'd love to catch up. Let me know when you're free. Rather than calling and being like, Oh my God, you never call me like you're so ungrateful. Gosh, the beauty of asking your kid, Hey, I'd love to chat with you. And whenever you're ready let me know.
[00:29:16] Leslie: Or let me know some good times. I'd love to grab dinner. Let me know when you're free. That's the stuff that your adult kid wants now, how was work like very open ended care, curiosity, right? One of the C's like I listened to one of your podcasts, I think when you were talking about self energy and you said, your favorites are curiosity and compassion.
[00:29:32] Leslie: And those are my favorites too. Because I think that they're so powerful, especially when we're just interacting. Like I I'm encouraging clients more to take a curious approach in any situation. Cause I think we're always taught to make statements. But there's so much more power in asking questions.
[00:29:48] John: Yeah,
[00:29:49] Leslie: Like how are you doing? When can I see you? What's how's everything been going? Versus gosh, you don't tell me anything about your life. You don't care about me. And I get it because [00:30:00] we're trying to get the same want to need met, but we're just taking different routes to get there.
[00:30:05] Leslie: And a lot of the work is helping to show these parts. There's again, we can get to the same place, just maybe taking a different route or taking a different approach. And I understand that this yeah. What part do we want to call this? This kind of like angry guilt trippy part, right? It's intention again is yeah.
[00:30:21] Leslie: Like I, I want it to, I want to connect with you, but if we dig deeper, it's probably I just don't know how I don't know how else to connect with you if I'm not taking this route.
[00:30:31] John: That's super well said. See. I'd love to hear a little bit as we wrap up a little more about the work you do, the offerings you have right now, where you see clients.
[00:30:41] John: And then of course, a plug for your website and everything. And we'll of course, put all this stuff in the the show notes.
[00:30:47] Leslie: Yeah, absolutely. So I'm licensed in California and Oregon. And I do have openings for. For individual therapy. I also offer intensives. If that's something that you're interested in.
[00:30:57] Leslie: I also do immigration evaluations. That's another service that I [00:31:00] provide. I'm also an EMDR consultant in training with the aspiration of offering consultation in the basis of incorporating EMDR with IFS. And I guess my main goal is really helping adults become adults, become the adult that their inner child always wanted and needed.
[00:31:15] Leslie: That's my slogan that I tell clients, this is my goal for you is to show you that you now have the ability and the capacity to give yourself everything that you've ever wanted and needed. And if we're referencing self energy you have all these, Tools in these qualities in your back pocket, right?
[00:31:30] Leslie: Self energy is the greatest coping skill that we could give to anybody. And it's my goal to help you see those qualities that you have in your back pocket and be able to utilize them. And again, that's not to say that these things aren't going to hurt, right? Like it's probably going to sting, but knowing that I have these.
[00:31:46] Leslie: Qualities in the back of my pocket to help alleviate that thing. And you can also follow me on Instagram. I like to post like little fun videos. And you can maybe put my handle there. I'm going to be changing my name soon. So right now I practice therapy under my [00:32:00] name, Leslie Farias Sanchez LMFT, but in 2025, I'm going to be changing my name to Nueva Vida Therapy.
[00:32:05] Leslie: So basically translates to new life therapy. And I think it just fits really well with the direction that I'm heading my practice in. My goal is to basically give you a new life. And I think the reason that I finally decided to change my name is because over the last year I really showed my own system and my own parts that we do have the capacity to heal and give ourselves the life that we've always wanted the life.
[00:32:27] Leslie: I lived like 2024 this year. Oh my God. The things that I did for myself, I was like, who is she? How did she do? My system is still like, How did you do that? Because I never thought that I would get here to this point in my life nobody that new life. That's what I have done for me and what I hope to pass on to My clients
[00:32:46] John: awesome.
[00:32:47] John: Yeah, I love the new name man. Thank you. It makes a lot of sense Leslie, thank you again for doing this. We'll put links to everything in the description and yeah, I just so appreciate your time and [00:33:00] Thanks for all the great work you're doing
[00:33:02] Leslie: Of course. Thank you so much for having me. It was such an honor and a privilege to be here.
[00:33:05] John: My pleasure. Thanks for listening to another episode of Going Inside. If you enjoyed this episode, please and subscribe wherever you're listening or watching and share your favorite episode with a friend. You can follow me on Instagram, @JohnClarkeTherapy and apply to work with me one on one at JohnClarkeTherapy.com. See you next time.